Imposter Syndrome

The term may be relatively new to my vocabulary, but the feeling certainly isn't. To be transparent, lately I've felt off. It wasn't until late Saturday night after some dear friends of mine threw together a small, intimate game night to celebrate my upcoming 32nd birthday when I realized why, imposter syndrome.

It has, undoubtedly, been a big year for me and I am notoriously bad at celebrating myself. I love to plan for others but when it comes to me, I'd rather lay out on my couch and escape into my newest novel. Riding home from game night, being so consumed with gratitude I realized I've not taken the time to digest and celebrate myself this year and because of that I have consistently felt out of place in spaces I worked hard to create for myself.

I grew up with parents who did not tell me I was special, rather they told me I was capable. I vividly remember my dad always telling me "You can do that just as good as any boy," and my mother challenging me to 'pony up'. Couple that with copious amounts of hugs and laughs and you create a woman who literally believes anything is possible if you work hard enough. However, it also led me to take my failures personally. Believing if something didn't work out, I must be the problem.

When I tell you I feel like an imposter--I truly mean it. Sitting on the front row at the change of command ceremony a few weeks ago, my internal monologue was asking myself "What are you even doing here?" When my coworker told me I would be moderating SHE Shines all day my first thought was "Do I deserve that?" Second thought, "Wow does Breanna really think I can do that?" The answer to all these questions is yes, but I just couldn't get to believing it.

I don't think Imposter Syndrome is equal to low self-esteem. I know I am capable, but I have lost the ability to really see myself. I'm ambitious and with that comes an insane number of obstacles and a lot of thoughts of being less-than or not worthy.

I do believe your environment (professional in my case) has a role in how you process your successes but passing the blame doesn't help me to overcome or learn to step into that truth. It is a work I have to do myself regardless of outside influences and circumstances. For me, working towards overcoming this battle, means talking to God.

I'm more of a realist than an optimist and the reality is, if I am the Christian I say I am, then I believe the Word of God and it says God not only sees me, but believes I am worthy of good things. For a long while I thought I was chasing good things but what if these good things are chasing me? What if just because I am a daughter of the King who chases after God, his goodness chases after me in return?

"Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life..." Psalm 23:6

There are many ways, techniques, to overcome Imposter Syndrome. Reading that scripture, praying to see myself how God does and asking for help walking in that truth shines a light so bright inside, imposter syndrome has nowhere to hide. It'll try to creep in the cracks that have formed because life is not all sunshine and rainbows but when you allow God's goodness to fill those cracks, it simply cannot penetrate. Don't be afraid of the goodness, you are worthy of it!

God is good. He wants good things for His children and imposter syndrome holds no weight as long as God is in control.